As you surely know by now, the Switzerland cookie we made only a few short weeks ago got us a lot of attention. We were honoured to receive a fan letter from the one and only Mr. Ashton Kutcher (we are of course huge fans of Mr. Kutcher’s work). Moreover, we are happy to announce a dynamic synergy between Cookie Nation and Intel Corporation®. To find out more about the Cookie Nation/Intel marriage please click here.
Now this is what you have been waiting for: our new Cookie in Shape of a Country. We understood that in order to keep the corporate investors happy we needed to create a cookie which addressed a bigger market than Switzerland. Yet, we could ill afford to lose our immense street cred. Thus, we needed a country which was both popular with the radical left and The Fascist Corporate Man.
In the end, we settled on the great nation of Turkey. We do know that this may be confusing to our readership, considering how similar Turkey and Switzerland are; in order to allay some of your confusion, here is a quick chart comparing the two countries:
|Location||On the Bosporous Strait||Not on the Bosporous Strait|
|Language spoken||Turkish||Not Turkish|
|Type of food the country’s name resembles||Poultry||Nothing|
If you have any other concerns related to the many similarities between Turkey and Switzerland, please send us your whisking photos, and then we will help you.
We decided to make Turkey out of a kind of cookie named a Snickerdoodle. We chose to make a snickerdoodle for two reasons: firstly, because the colour of a snickerdoodle resembles the sandy beaches of the Black Sea, and secondly because the name of the cookie resembles the name of the 145th-largest Turkish town, which goes by the name of Şnık-ur-düdl. Furthermore, snickerdoodles are coated in a lovely dusting of cinnamon and sugar, which reminds me of the sweetness of Turkish culture, and also of the childhood I never had.
So without further ado, we will now describe to you how we made this legendary Intel® Synergy® cookie. Unfortunately, in all the hustle and bustle that accompanied our cookie (including a movie deal – thanks, Ash-meister!) we’ve lost the recipe. So if you have Turbinado sugar, whatever the fuck that is, just use this recipe.
Below, you will find a number of ingredients. Some of them were even in the cookie. Which of these was not in the cookie? The first person to answer correctly in the comments will receive a genuine Intel® 386-DX processor, now with math co-processor!
We began like the gladiators of yore, placing our butter in the Microwavium Maximus, conveniently run on Intel technology.
We would like to remind you that we are still fans of the whisk. No one has sent us whisking photos yet except Ashty, so we’d like to remind you that there’s still time. Here are some we prepared earlier:
Did you know that Pasha Recep Tayyip Erdogan whisks four hours a day in order to keep his mind sharp and his body healthy? This is a picture of his whisk, which we obtained from a secret Greek spy named Arishomer.
Following all of our whiskcitement, we charged onward with our epic Intel Synergy® recipe. It is well known that Turkey and cinnamon rhyme. Don’t believe me? Check the Intel web site. You might say it was destiny to include cinnamon in our genuine Synercookie®.
The recipe said that we had to wait a really fucking long time for the batter to cool, or some shit. So, as the Turks would do, we stuck it in the freezer. Simulating the temperature atop Mount Ararat. Mount Ararat is referred to in Turkey as “Ağrı Dağı“, or the Mountain of Pain. We are not making this shit up.
Back in Ottoman times, the Sultan asked the head of his elite Janissary guard, “if I made a cookie, how would I ensure that the cookie does not stick to the pan?” The Janissary did not speak English, and he was ashamed. If he had been able to speak English, he would have sang a paean to Pam.
Sam treats it with the utmost reverence.
And now, the birth of the modern Turkish republic.
Reinforcements arrived and the Turkish republic expands.
And after a long struggle–fuck you, Greece!–it was time to bake the synergy.
And here, after hours under the hot Turkish sun, is our scrumptious, nutritious, fallacious, pretentious, and bodacious creation.
Now for the important stuff: the eating. Our cookie was so large that it truly could have fed an army, so we invited the entire Turkish army. Here’s a video of them arriving at the apartment. (The Kurds see this kind of thing a lot.)
Here, first of all, are Brigadier General İlkay Yonca and First Lieutenant Gaye Burcu, sworn enemies of Bulgaria, Armenia, and Macedonia.
And here is Secret Greek Spy Kristos Wulfaz.
The Great Turkish Poet Racept Hamidaddidooli once commented, if I ever wore a fez while eating Turkey I would certainly combine it with ice cream. And so it shall be.
P.S. Fuck you, Kurdistan, Baluchistan, Holy Roman Empire, Constantine, and Noah.