Archive for June, 2008

Cookies we will never, ever make or eat

STOP

COOKIE TIME

Here are a few examples of cookies that you will not be able to expect from this site.

You know in Chinese restaurants, how a lot of the time you get a plate of noodles with some meat in it, and everything is covered in that kind of gooey glaze? Well, above you can see a cookie which is covered in that stuff. Or else, it’s possible that the cookie above is covered in Precious Gems And Minerals, which is not the way we ball. The purple thing kind of looks like a Maraschino cherry, except that it’s bright purple. Like, perfume-store purple, the kind of purple that’s contrived to be randomly feminine for no reason.

Also, your author generally has a policy not to eat anything that shade of blue, because it reminds him of his experiences as a child attempting to drink entire chlorinated wading pools. And you wondered where the brain damage came from? Ladies and gentlemen, blogs about cookies in the shape of countries don’t just come from nowhere.

This above cookie, taken from a blog that I read four hundred times per hour (and is, oddly enough, purportedly about mattresses), is supposedly a “Groovy Granola organic coconut sugar vegan cookie.” Firstly, coconuts I guess I can understand, but what exactly do you have to do to sugar to make it “organic”? It’s a compound, for Christ’s sake. You can’t screw it up. If they do happen to fabricate it in giant vats in some Southern Ontario factory, I’m not sure that I actually care.

Secondly, “Groovy Granola”? What kind of brand name is that exactly? Man oh man, they’ve got the aging vegan hippie cookie-eater market all locked up. Except for the flagrant use of non-biodegradable plastic packaging. Way to go guys. Why don’t you package the cookies IN DIAMONDS???

But frankly, dearest reader, there is a larger issue at stake: if it takes you seventeen syllables to identify what you are eating, then you should not be eating it. I, personally, do not eat anything of more than two syllables. This makes me popular in bars, where I am known for yelling “BEER NOW” at unwitting bartenders. At least I tip well. I used to eat only one-syllable foods, but I was tired of going to fancy restaurants and ordering “beef.”

Holy God people. It’s like they were trying to make wedding dresses and just kept inexplicably failing. Do you need every single thing you eat to be dainty? Can you imagine if a McDonalds hamburger came with this kind of stuff engraved on the top? Or imagine going to a real restaurant and sending a meal back with a comment like “sorry, sir, but where is my floral engraving?” Thank God we’re not forced to decorate our apartments like this, because I’d commit floral engraved hara-kiri.

Man, when I eat cookies, I want two things: to be satisfied, and to be educated. This is why I, and my equally war-weary co-author, run this blog. The satisfaction comes from the cooked dough, and the education comes from the countries.

Indeed, there is no more satisfying or educational blog than this one.

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C is for Cookie

Truly brilliant:

Another:

A slight aside:

/C is also for something else…

World’s largest cookie

World’s largest cookie was 31m (102 feet) in diameter and weighted 18,000 kg (40,000 lb). The cookie as seen by superman:

The world\'s largest cookie

The cookie was made out of:

  • 12,200 lbs. of Unbleached Flour (who care if it is bleached? Count Bleachula?)
  • 6,525 lbs. of Unsalted Butter
  • 6,000 lbs. of Dark Chocolate Chunks (This is 1 million chunks… damn son…)
  • 5,000 lbs. of Granulated Sugar
  • 3,370 lbs. of Dark Brown Sugar
  • 30,000 Whole Eggs (by our calculations it would take a grown man 43 years to poop out that many eggs)
  • 184 lbs. of Salt (good thing the butter was unsalted…)
  • 79 lbs. Baking Soda
  • 10 gallons of Pure Vanilla [Boris drinks this much pure vanilla in a week)
  • While impressive and probably delicious, the mortal flaw in this cookie’s design was its lack of country shapiness… Cookie Nation will one day create a cookie seven times larger than this one… in the shape of Andorra. Our people are talking to their people regarding the possibility of making it into a TV special hosted by Paula Zahn .
    To find out more about the world’s largest cookie in the world go to: http://www.immaculatebaking.com/ibc-oc-wbcfacts.php

    The Uruguay of Europe: Switzerland

    Switzerland. A nation unlike any other. Since time immemorial, people have flocked to its beautiful scenic mountains, picturesque hamlets, and bearded men yodeling on mountains. Yet, no one has yet dared create a cookie in the shape of this majestic country. Until now.

    In order to make the Cookie of Switzerland, we decided to use a recipe that we found by Googling the phrase “chocolate chip cookie recipe.” However, we soon realized that chocolate chips are but a primitive imitation of real Swiss chocolate; indeed, chocolate chips are to Swiss chocolate as the Macarena is to the Electric Slide. So we ambled to the corner grocery store to procure the most Swiss chocolate in the world. We could tell it was Swiss from afar by the mountain on the packaging, since Switzerland is the only country in the world which has a mountain. The Swiss flag is a white plus sign in a red square, the ancient Chinese symbols for prosperity and also positive numbers.

    Here, as copied from the web site, is the list of ingredients:

    • 2¼ cups all-purpose flour
    • 1 tsp. baking soda
    • 1 tsp. salt
    • 1 cup butter or margarine, softened
    • ¾ cup granulated sugar
    • ¾ cup light brown sugar (firmly packed)
    • 1 tsp. vanilla
    • 2 eggs
    • 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
    • 4 teaspoons basil. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, Basel is the third-biggest city in Switzerland.

    To start with, we combined the flour, baking soda, and salt. This was the easiest step by far. This was so easy that even the average rodent from the neighbouring countries of Switzerland could do it. Can you name all the neighbouring countries of Switzerland?*

    Next, we melted some butter. Actually, we didn’t have enough butter, so we added some chicken fat canola oil. Also we weren’t sure what “softening” meant so we just stuck it in the microwave**. This is usually what we do when we do not know how to accomplish a task: we stick it in the microwave. This has proved surprisingly effective in the past with our university homework, and we were not let down this time either. The butter became soft and lovely, easily pliable to the ends of our nefarious scheme, and we were able to successfully mix in the two types of sugar. However, there was some drama involving the type of whisk we used to mix the two ingredients: one was all spirally and the other was long. We expect future scientific studies to help us determine which is more whisky.

    Afterwards, we added the vanilla and eggs to the whisk mixture and whisked it some more. Whisking is an excellent activity and I recommend it to anyone, particularly pregnant women or elderly men with “whisk”ers. Please send us your whisking pictures and we will post them on this web site.

    Then, we combined the liquid ingredients with the solid ingredients. At this point, we discovered that our lack of butter actually made the batter grainy and strange, so we added oil to compensate. Kind of like how you add salt when your tea is too sweet, or when you punch holes in a cup that’s overflowing. We do both of these things…

    At this moment, we realized that the bar of chocolate would not work as a single entity. This raised a difficult dilemma, as we realized that chocolate, left to its own devices, would have a catastrophic impact on the world. How could we possibly go about converting a formidable piece of chocolate into reasonably-sized chunks? Through rigorous scientific inquiry, we were able to locate a number of instruments to surmount this Matterhorn of a challenge.

    The net result:

    Finally, it was time to get artistic. We poured the batter onto a cookie sheet, and Boris did an excellent job sculpting the contours of the glorious Federation. Honestly, have you ever seen a better-looking cookie Switzerland? Agent C (Kristos Wolfaz) hasn’t, and he’s been making cookie Switzerlands since the age of six.

    As you can see, the version on the computer is nearly as accurate as our majestic creation:

    Awesome

    Ten minutes passed, and lo and behold, a miracle had occurred. The Lord had blessed us with a golden child, golden like the morning sun emerging over the Jura. And indeed, it was as delicious as the mountain dew on the Alpine prairies***.

    For your convenience, we have divided the above cookie of Switzerland into its linguistic subgroups. We believe that the three parts should each become their own sovereign nations. The future Italian nation has been denoted through pizza shading. To all you smart-alecks who noticed that we didn’t mark Rumansch-speaking territories: fuck you. Also, there is only one Germany: East Germany. Live with it.

    Finally, here we are enjoying the fruits of our labour.

    Further reading:

    Want to know more about this fabulous country? Consult these helpful web sites:

    * France, Italy, Austria, Germany, and Liechtenstein. I bet you forgot Liechtenstein. Everybody forgets Liechtenstein. 😦

    ** Microwaving potatos too long may have unfortunate consequences, like turning your potatos into smoldering coals of passion.

    *** Joke for RoTu: Nearly as delicious as eating an actual child might have been.

    Ode to a Cookie

    Ode to a Cookie

    A cookie is not a fish.
    One cannot hold it on a leash.
    It is a dream — as if a wish.
    Came suddenly and turned into a dish.


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