The Uruguay of Europe: Switzerland

Switzerland. A nation unlike any other. Since time immemorial, people have flocked to its beautiful scenic mountains, picturesque hamlets, and bearded men yodeling on mountains. Yet, no one has yet dared create a cookie in the shape of this majestic country. Until now.

In order to make the Cookie of Switzerland, we decided to use a recipe that we found by Googling the phrase “chocolate chip cookie recipe.” However, we soon realized that chocolate chips are but a primitive imitation of real Swiss chocolate; indeed, chocolate chips are to Swiss chocolate as the Macarena is to the Electric Slide. So we ambled to the corner grocery store to procure the most Swiss chocolate in the world. We could tell it was Swiss from afar by the mountain on the packaging, since Switzerland is the only country in the world which has a mountain. The Swiss flag is a white plus sign in a red square, the ancient Chinese symbols for prosperity and also positive numbers.

Here, as copied from the web site, is the list of ingredients:

  • 2¼ cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup butter or margarine, softened
  • ¾ cup granulated sugar
  • ¾ cup light brown sugar (firmly packed)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • 4 teaspoons basil. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, Basel is the third-biggest city in Switzerland.

To start with, we combined the flour, baking soda, and salt. This was the easiest step by far. This was so easy that even the average rodent from the neighbouring countries of Switzerland could do it. Can you name all the neighbouring countries of Switzerland?*

Next, we melted some butter. Actually, we didn’t have enough butter, so we added some chicken fat canola oil. Also we weren’t sure what “softening” meant so we just stuck it in the microwave**. This is usually what we do when we do not know how to accomplish a task: we stick it in the microwave. This has proved surprisingly effective in the past with our university homework, and we were not let down this time either. The butter became soft and lovely, easily pliable to the ends of our nefarious scheme, and we were able to successfully mix in the two types of sugar. However, there was some drama involving the type of whisk we used to mix the two ingredients: one was all spirally and the other was long. We expect future scientific studies to help us determine which is more whisky.

Afterwards, we added the vanilla and eggs to the whisk mixture and whisked it some more. Whisking is an excellent activity and I recommend it to anyone, particularly pregnant women or elderly men with “whisk”ers. Please send us your whisking pictures and we will post them on this web site.

Then, we combined the liquid ingredients with the solid ingredients. At this point, we discovered that our lack of butter actually made the batter grainy and strange, so we added oil to compensate. Kind of like how you add salt when your tea is too sweet, or when you punch holes in a cup that’s overflowing. We do both of these things…

At this moment, we realized that the bar of chocolate would not work as a single entity. This raised a difficult dilemma, as we realized that chocolate, left to its own devices, would have a catastrophic impact on the world. How could we possibly go about converting a formidable piece of chocolate into reasonably-sized chunks? Through rigorous scientific inquiry, we were able to locate a number of instruments to surmount this Matterhorn of a challenge.

The net result:

Finally, it was time to get artistic. We poured the batter onto a cookie sheet, and Boris did an excellent job sculpting the contours of the glorious Federation. Honestly, have you ever seen a better-looking cookie Switzerland? Agent C (Kristos Wolfaz) hasn’t, and he’s been making cookie Switzerlands since the age of six.

As you can see, the version on the computer is nearly as accurate as our majestic creation:

Awesome

Ten minutes passed, and lo and behold, a miracle had occurred. The Lord had blessed us with a golden child, golden like the morning sun emerging over the Jura. And indeed, it was as delicious as the mountain dew on the Alpine prairies***.

For your convenience, we have divided the above cookie of Switzerland into its linguistic subgroups. We believe that the three parts should each become their own sovereign nations. The future Italian nation has been denoted through pizza shading. To all you smart-alecks who noticed that we didn’t mark Rumansch-speaking territories: fuck you. Also, there is only one Germany: East Germany. Live with it.

Finally, here we are enjoying the fruits of our labour.

Further reading:

Want to know more about this fabulous country? Consult these helpful web sites:

* France, Italy, Austria, Germany, and Liechtenstein. I bet you forgot Liechtenstein. Everybody forgets Liechtenstein. 😦

** Microwaving potatos too long may have unfortunate consequences, like turning your potatos into smoldering coals of passion.

*** Joke for RoTu: Nearly as delicious as eating an actual child might have been.

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16 Responses to “The Uruguay of Europe: Switzerland”


  1. 1 anonymous June 3, 2008 at 11:42 pm

    u guys sux. what a stoopid idea

    lolz

  2. 2 viateur June 3, 2008 at 11:46 pm

    pourquoi vous n’écrivez pas en français?

    MILE END FRANÇAIS

    101 101 101 101

  3. 3 Julia June 4, 2008 at 12:11 am

    Do I have to purchase a hat to participate in the next cookie endeavour?

  4. 4 COOKIE MONSTER June 4, 2008 at 1:27 am

    I LIKE MONSTER COOKIES

    CAN YOU MAKE MONSTER COOKIES NEXT TIME

    I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT

    ALSO COOKIES SHAPED LIKE SWAZILAND

    THEY TASTE GOOD TOO

    LOVE,

    COOKIE MONSTER

  5. 5 Bhagavan June 4, 2008 at 3:59 am

    आप क्यों प्रदान करने के लिए एक कड़ी के विकिपीडिया पृष्ठ स्विट्जरलैंड में थाई ? थाई है कुत्ते की भाषा है . आप चाहिए से जुड़े एक पृष्ठ पर हिन्दी के बजाय . हिंदी की भाषा है देवताओं .

  6. 6 n0rp June 4, 2008 at 4:03 am

    lol, you guys are hot! you can bake my cookie any time you want!!!!1

  7. 7 Олга June 4, 2008 at 4:04 am

    Защо сте момчетата, както HAAAAAA(ц)Т?

  8. 8 Kristos Wulfaz June 4, 2008 at 4:10 am

    Sam, this post is UNCATEGORIZED. How am I going to find any of your posts on this blog if they’re all goddamn UNCATEGORIZED?

    PS, you misspelled my name, asshole.

  9. 9 Kristos Wulfaz June 4, 2008 at 4:14 am

    Oh, and fix the time. You need to set a time zone. Don’t you know how to run a blog? How are you ever going to achieve anything in life if you can’t do simple things like this? Does your VCR blink “12:00” because you don’t know how to set the time? Yeah, that’s right, I bet you still have a VCR. Think you’re such a groyser tzuleyger, don’t you? A foiler tut in tsveyen! as my zeyde used to say.

  10. 10 SJPfangurl June 4, 2008 at 6:45 am

    I was looking for SJP stuff and THIS came up?

    OMG!

    Sex in the city RULZ!

  11. 11 cookienation June 4, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    Sex in the City is amongst the 100 best shows in the last decade… It does rule!

  12. 12 Leila June 4, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    I have many sexy whisking photos. How do I submit them?

  13. 13 périchole June 4, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    hé hé hé : that is a very funny blog !!

  14. 14 Emily June 5, 2008 at 12:54 am

    Tenterhooks: n., pl. Objects of anticipation on which Emily is currently hanging, breathless for the revelation of the next cookie nation.

  15. 15 Gloo June 5, 2008 at 1:35 am

    In my last life I was an Australian red-back spider. Not only were my ancestors living with criminals every day, but not only is my poison enough to make you wish you were biting your own testicles with the force of a dozen cows falling from a trampoline after jumping off of a house, but I am watching you right now. My dream is your worst nightmare, I’ve been around for a while and I’ve seen plenty of faggots like you, you’re all the same. All of you faggots want to be recognized because you’re good at making fun of people over the internet, but one of these days I’ll find you making some chicken gumbo at your house and you’ll get to find out what the true meaning of balls in the ass is.

    p.s. back the fuck down before I have to shit talk back, you won’t like it

  16. 16 Gloo June 7, 2008 at 2:57 am

    I couldn’t find cinderblocks.txt 😦


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