Switzerland. A nation unlike any other. Since time immemorial, people have flocked to its beautiful scenic mountains, picturesque hamlets, and bearded men yodeling on mountains. Yet, no one has yet dared create a cookie in the shape of this majestic country. Until now.
In order to make the Cookie of Switzerland, we decided to use a recipe that we found by Googling the phrase “chocolate chip cookie recipe.” However, we soon realized that chocolate chips are but a primitive imitation of real Swiss chocolate; indeed, chocolate chips are to Swiss chocolate as the Macarena is to the Electric Slide. So we ambled to the corner grocery store to procure the most Swiss chocolate in the world. We could tell it was Swiss from afar by the mountain on the packaging, since Switzerland is the only country in the world which has a mountain. The Swiss flag is a white plus sign in a red square, the ancient Chinese symbols for prosperity and also positive numbers.
Here, as copied from the web site, is the list of ingredients:
- 2¼ cups all-purpose flour
- 1 tsp. baking soda
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 cup butter or margarine, softened
- ¾ cup granulated sugar
- ¾ cup light brown sugar (firmly packed)
- 1 tsp. vanilla
- 2 eggs
- 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 4 teaspoons basil. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, Basel is the third-biggest city in Switzerland.
To start with, we combined the flour, baking soda, and salt. This was the easiest step by far. This was so easy that even the average rodent from the neighbouring countries of Switzerland could do it. Can you name all the neighbouring countries of Switzerland?*
Next, we melted some butter. Actually, we didn’t have enough butter, so we added some chicken fat canola oil. Also we weren’t sure what “softening” meant so we just stuck it in the microwave**. This is usually what we do when we do not know how to accomplish a task: we stick it in the microwave. This has proved surprisingly effective in the past with our university homework, and we were not let down this time either. The butter became soft and lovely, easily pliable to the ends of our nefarious scheme, and we were able to successfully mix in the two types of sugar. However, there was some drama involving the type of whisk we used to mix the two ingredients: one was all spirally and the other was long. We expect future scientific studies to help us determine which is more whisky.
Afterwards, we added the vanilla and eggs to the whisk mixture and whisked it some more. Whisking is an excellent activity and I recommend it to anyone, particularly pregnant women or elderly men with “whisk”ers. Please send us your whisking pictures and we will post them on this web site.
Then, we combined the liquid ingredients with the solid ingredients. At this point, we discovered that our lack of butter actually made the batter grainy and strange, so we added oil to compensate. Kind of like how you add salt when your tea is too sweet, or when you punch holes in a cup that’s overflowing. We do both of these things…
At this moment, we realized that the bar of chocolate would not work as a single entity. This raised a difficult dilemma, as we realized that chocolate, left to its own devices, would have a catastrophic impact on the world. How could we possibly go about converting a formidable piece of chocolate into reasonably-sized chunks? Through rigorous scientific inquiry, we were able to locate a number of instruments to surmount this Matterhorn of a challenge.
The net result:
Finally, it was time to get artistic. We poured the batter onto a cookie sheet, and Boris did an excellent job sculpting the contours of the glorious Federation. Honestly, have you ever seen a better-looking cookie Switzerland? Agent C (Kristos Wolfaz) hasn’t, and he’s been making cookie Switzerlands since the age of six.
As you can see, the version on the computer is nearly as accurate as our majestic creation:
Ten minutes passed, and lo and behold, a miracle had occurred. The Lord had blessed us with a golden child, golden like the morning sun emerging over the Jura. And indeed, it was as delicious as the mountain dew on the Alpine prairies***.
For your convenience, we have divided the above cookie of Switzerland into its linguistic subgroups. We believe that the three parts should each become their own sovereign nations. The future Italian nation has been denoted through pizza shading. To all you smart-alecks who noticed that we didn’t mark Rumansch-speaking territories: fuck you. Also, there is only one Germany: East Germany. Live with it.
Want to know more about this fabulous country? Consult these helpful web sites:
* France, Italy, Austria, Germany, and Liechtenstein. I bet you forgot Liechtenstein. Everybody forgets Liechtenstein. 😦
** Microwaving potatos too long may have unfortunate consequences, like turning your potatos into smoldering coals of passion.
*** Joke for RoTu: Nearly as delicious as eating an actual child might have been.