Turkey: You can’t spell it without “key.” The key to my heart.

As you surely know by now, the Switzerland cookie we made only a few short weeks ago got us a lot of attention. We were honoured to receive a fan letter from the one and only Mr. Ashton Kutcher (we are of course huge fans of Mr. Kutcher’s work). Moreover, we are happy to announce a dynamic synergy between Cookie Nation and Intel Corporation®. To find out more about the Cookie Nation/Intel marriage please click here.

Now this is what you have been waiting for: our new Cookie in Shape of a Country. We understood that in order to keep the corporate investors happy we needed to create a cookie which addressed a bigger market than Switzerland. Yet, we could ill afford to lose our immense street cred. Thus, we needed a country which was both popular with the radical left and The Fascist Corporate Man.

In the end, we settled on the great nation of Turkey. We do know that this may be confusing to our readership, considering how similar Turkey and Switzerland are; in order to allay some of your confusion, here is a quick chart comparing the two countries:

Turkey Switzerland
Location On the Bosporous Strait Not on the Bosporous Strait
Population 71,158,647 Not 71,158,647
Language spoken Turkish Not Turkish
Capital Ankara Ankara
Type of food the country’s name resembles Poultry Nothing

If you have any other concerns related to the many similarities between Turkey and Switzerland, please send us your whisking photos, and then we will help you.

We decided to make Turkey out of a kind of cookie named a Snickerdoodle. We chose to make a snickerdoodle for two reasons: firstly, because the colour of a snickerdoodle resembles the sandy beaches of the Black Sea, and secondly because the name of the cookie resembles the name of the 145th-largest Turkish town, which goes by the name of Şnık-ur-düdl. Furthermore, snickerdoodles are coated in a lovely dusting of cinnamon and sugar, which reminds me of the sweetness of Turkish culture, and also of the childhood I never had.

So without further ado, we will now describe to you how we made this legendary Intel® Synergy® cookie. Unfortunately, in all the hustle and bustle that accompanied our cookie (including a movie deal – thanks, Ash-meister!) we’ve lost the recipe. So if you have Turbinado sugar, whatever the fuck that is, just use this recipe.

Below, you will find a number of ingredients. Some of them were even in the cookie. Which of these was not in the cookie? The first person to answer correctly in the comments will receive a genuine Intel® 386-DX processor, now with math co-processor!

Tony the Tiger says, baking powder is part of a complete breakfast

We began like the gladiators of yore, placing our butter in the Microwavium Maximus, conveniently run on Intel technology.

THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS OF PAAAAIIIINNN

THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS OF PAAAAIIIINNN

I think there was sugar and eggs involved. Actually maybe it was butter. Or Mustafa Kamal Atatürk!

Atatürk, my hero

Atatürk, my hero

We would like to remind you that we are still fans of the whisk. No one has sent us whisking photos yet except Ashty, so we’d like to remind you that there’s still time. Here are some we prepared earlier:

Nice ring, motherfucker!

Did you know that Pasha Recep Tayyip Erdogan whisks four hours a day in order to keep his mind sharp and his body healthy? This is a picture of his whisk, which we obtained from a secret Greek spy named Arishomer.

The Louvre is coming after us for this

The Louvre is coming after us for this

Following all of our whiskcitement, we charged onward with our epic Intel Synergy® recipe. It is well known that Turkey and cinnamon rhyme. Don’t believe me? Check the Intel web site. You might say it was destiny to include cinnamon in our genuine Synercookie®.

Money shot

Money shot

The recipe said that we had to wait a really fucking long time for the batter to cool, or some shit. So, as the Turks would do, we stuck it in the freezer. Simulating the temperature atop Mount Ararat. Mount Ararat is referred to in Turkey as “Ağrı Dağı“, or the Mountain of Pain. We are not making this shit up.

THE FRIDGE OF PAIN

Notice the evil Breyers®

When the mountain turns blue, the beer is cold

When the mountain turns blue, the beer is cold

Back in Ottoman times, the Sultan asked the head of his elite Janissary guard, “if I made a cookie, how would I ensure that the cookie does not stick to the pan?” The Janissary did not speak English, and he was ashamed. If he had been able to speak English, he would have sang a paean to Pam.

Sam treats it with the utmost reverence.

Turkish Gothic

Turkish Gothic

And now, the birth of the modern Turkish republic.

The long arm of the Turkish military has saved the republic once again

The long arm of the Turkish military has saved the republic once again

Reinforcements arrived and the Turkish republic expands.

Cinnamon Sugar would be a great porn star name

"Cinnamon Sugar" would be a great porn star name

And after a long struggle–fuck you, Greece!–it was time to bake the synergy.

Did you know that theres a lake in Turkey?

Did you know that there's a lake in Turkey?

And here, after hours under the hot Turkish sun, is our scrumptious, nutritious, fallacious, pretentious, and bodacious creation.

BAKLAVA!!!!!

BAKLAVA!!!!!

Now for the important stuff: the eating. Our cookie was so large that it truly could have fed an army, so we invited the entire Turkish army. Here’s a video of them arriving at the apartment. (The Kurds see this kind of thing a lot.)

Here, first of all, are Brigadier General İlkay Yonca and First Lieutenant Gaye Burcu, sworn enemies of Bulgaria, Armenia, and Macedonia.

And here is Secret Greek Spy Kristos Wulfaz.

He looks French

He looks French

A nose Kurd

A nose Kurd

The EUs attitude towards Turkeys entry into the European Union... nom nom nom!

The EUs attitude towards Turkey's entry into the European Union... nom nom nom!

The Great Turkish Poet Racept Hamidaddidooli once commented, if I ever wore a fez while eating Turkey I would certainly combine it with ice cream. And so it shall be.

Oh Turkey my beautiful/ Your eyes are like rainbows/ Your twist my linguistic roots/ I am your slave

Oh Turkey my beautiful/ Your eyes are like rainbows/ Your twist my linguistic roots/ I am your slave

P.S. Fuck you, Kurdistan, Baluchistan, Holy Roman Empire, Constantine, and Noah.

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5 Responses to “Turkey: You can’t spell it without “key.” The key to my heart.”


  1. 1 EMILY September 22, 2008 at 2:09 am

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

  2. 2 Corinne September 22, 2008 at 2:40 am

    Ingredients I don’t believe are found in the contents of the cookies:

    -cactus
    -ketchup
    -brandy (one of the bottles looks like a mickey to me)
    -Triscuit
    -lemon juice
    -breasts
    -roofies
    -table
    -leg
    -backpack
    -fridge
    -oven
    -garbage

  3. 3 Allison September 23, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    I’m glad to see that you didn’t forget to make a Cypriot cookie.

  4. 4 Kristos Wulfaz September 29, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

    Lazy goddamn bakers.

  5. 5 COOKIE MONSTER September 29, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    COOKIE MONSTER VALUES TIMELINESS

    COOKIE MONSTER HAS BEEN HUNGRY FOR SO LONG

    COOKIE MONSTER HAS MOVED ON TO OTHER BLOGS ABOUT COOKIES SHAPED LIKE COUNTRIES

    SO LONG


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