Posts Tagged 'MC Hammer'

Cookies we will never, ever make or eat

STOP

COOKIE TIME

Here are a few examples of cookies that you will not be able to expect from this site.

You know in Chinese restaurants, how a lot of the time you get a plate of noodles with some meat in it, and everything is covered in that kind of gooey glaze? Well, above you can see a cookie which is covered in that stuff. Or else, it’s possible that the cookie above is covered in Precious Gems And Minerals, which is not the way we ball. The purple thing kind of looks like a Maraschino cherry, except that it’s bright purple. Like, perfume-store purple, the kind of purple that’s contrived to be randomly feminine for no reason.

Also, your author generally has a policy not to eat anything that shade of blue, because it reminds him of his experiences as a child attempting to drink entire chlorinated wading pools. And you wondered where the brain damage came from? Ladies and gentlemen, blogs about cookies in the shape of countries don’t just come from nowhere.

This above cookie, taken from a blog that I read four hundred times per hour (and is, oddly enough, purportedly about mattresses), is supposedly a “Groovy Granola organic coconut sugar vegan cookie.” Firstly, coconuts I guess I can understand, but what exactly do you have to do to sugar to make it “organic”? It’s a compound, for Christ’s sake. You can’t screw it up. If they do happen to fabricate it in giant vats in some Southern Ontario factory, I’m not sure that I actually care.

Secondly, “Groovy Granola”? What kind of brand name is that exactly? Man oh man, they’ve got the aging vegan hippie cookie-eater market all locked up. Except for the flagrant use of non-biodegradable plastic packaging. Way to go guys. Why don’t you package the cookies IN DIAMONDS???

But frankly, dearest reader, there is a larger issue at stake: if it takes you seventeen syllables to identify what you are eating, then you should not be eating it. I, personally, do not eat anything of more than two syllables. This makes me popular in bars, where I am known for yelling “BEER NOW” at unwitting bartenders. At least I tip well. I used to eat only one-syllable foods, but I was tired of going to fancy restaurants and ordering “beef.”

Holy God people. It’s like they were trying to make wedding dresses and just kept inexplicably failing. Do you need every single thing you eat to be dainty? Can you imagine if a McDonalds hamburger came with this kind of stuff engraved on the top? Or imagine going to a real restaurant and sending a meal back with a comment like “sorry, sir, but where is my floral engraving?” Thank God we’re not forced to decorate our apartments like this, because I’d commit floral engraved hara-kiri.

Man, when I eat cookies, I want two things: to be satisfied, and to be educated. This is why I, and my equally war-weary co-author, run this blog. The satisfaction comes from the cooked dough, and the education comes from the countries.

Indeed, there is no more satisfying or educational blog than this one.

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